בקשה...

[ryangirl]

בקשה...

נתנו לי משימה לכתוב מכתב רשמי אז תבדקו לי אותו, ותגידו לי אם אני צריכה להוסיף ובבקשה תגידו לי למה (המכתב על התוכנית הכלכלית החדשה). 7B Avramson Rehovot August 1.2004 Shaked Road Jersulem Dear Mr. Natanio I want to complain a bout the new economy comonizem plan that you have recently in our country. This plan goal is to solve the bad aconomy after situation. The idea behind the plan is that the country first needs to sove to suffice employment and dont give them to being lazy people. Israel is a relief country in contrast to U.S.A. In Israel the country is care to her poor citizen in then basis needs by give them unemployment gory and alownace. However in your new plan u want to thake this basis needs from the poor pepole and u want to help for upper class of the country. We both want that but because of the new plan the economy situation became nore worset in 2003 a 30 per cent of poor family under the line and the equality became largest between the poor and reach people. So by thAT U HURT THE LOW CALLS IN THEN bisis needs like: foods, enant and healy sarrivces ans poosithe them life nore harder and cause them for example rhe suicide that was recently for two older by stood age pension.fter u read my opinion I am thinking ... Do u care about your people or yurself??? I have a nother solution thiking the most biger mony fron the goverment and rhe rich people thhid will not hurt them aloot like the poor people and help the poor people. Dont u think its anew a good idea for start?? In conclusion, I feel that u can find a nother solution with out hurting the poor start so consider ny opinion. I look foward to your repley about my latter. Very truly yours Vered

 

[ryangirl]

מישו מוכן לתרגם לי....

 

[ryangirl]

כאילו לתקן...

 

[Zenith87]

Correction

7B Avramson St. Rehovot August 1, 2004 Ministry of the Treasury 42 Shaked Road Jerusalem Dear Mr. Netanyahu, I would like to complain about the new economic plan that you have recently introduced in our country, which is meant to solve Israel's economic problems. As I understand it, the idea behind this plan is that the country first needs to provide employment to solve poverty, rather than giving welfare to "lazy people". I would like to bring to your attention that in contrast to the U.S.A., Israel is a welfare state. In Israel, the country takes care of its poor citizens, helping them with their basic needs, by giving them unemployment benefits and social security.However, in your new plan you want to deprive this the poor from these basic needs, and help the upper class of the country. We both want to improve Israel's economy, but because of the new plan, Israel's economic situation has worsened in 2003. 30 percent of families are now below the poverty line, and the income gap between the poor and the rich is now greater than ever. The poor's basic needs have been hurt by your plan: With food, housing and health services now being less accessible to them, life has become harder and caused tragic occurences. For example, two elderly people recently committed suicide due to their economic hardship. Mr. Netanyahu, I cannot help but wonder... Do you care about your own people, or only about yourself? I would like to propose a possible solution. The poor should recieve much more welfare funds from the goverment, at the expense of the rich. Since the rich already have a lot of money, this should not hurt them, and it would help the poor people significantly. Don't you think this is a good idea? In conclusion, I feel that you can find another solution to Israel's economic problems without hurting the poor as much as the current plan does. Please consider my opinion on the matter. I look foward to your reply. Very truly yours, Vered ___________________________ Vered, I fixed the spelling, grammar and style mistakes. I could not be bothered to explain each correction, and I did not pay attention to the argument itself (to tell you the truth, I think neither does the teacher). Go over the two versions, and ask me if you want to know why I corrected one thing or another. I would just want to go over some things that really stood out to me. First - For דמי אבטלה you wrote "unemployment gory"... It seems that you looked up the word דמי in the dictionary, and then wrote a word that means "bloody". Try to look up words in the dictionary smarter - Words in סמיכות do not appear in the dictionary! There are also very basic mistakes in your letter. Never substitute "u" for "you" outside of the internet and the SMS - It indicates unprofessionality. "More harder" is redundant and is an error. Try to organize the argument with logical connectors - "in contrast to the USA", for example, was excellent! "In conclusion" was also good. Break the paragraphs in places that make sense - For example, the argument about Israel as a welfare state was best to open the second paragraph. It's great that you got to the point right at the first sentence. Also, try to speak more politely when you're writing to the minister of finance... "I would like" is much better than "I want". "Please consider my opinion" is better than the command "consider my opinion". If you want to convince Netanyahu of your opinion, don't suggest that he is selfish and greedy, just say that you think he's misguided and explain why you think he's wrong. Address the issue, not the person! Finally, "foods, enant and healy sarrivces ans poosithe them life nore harder" - What was this supposed to mean? I am intrigued. ~ Aviv​

 

[Zenith87]

*תיקון

"However, in your new plan you want to deprive this the poor from..." Should be: "However, in your new plan you want to deprive the poor from..."​

 

[Zenith87]

על לא דבר ../images/Emo4.gif