Hrrm. Morning

[Polydine]

Hrrm. Morning ../images/Emo13.gif

I usually trust my brain when it comes to English, but please please could you go over the attached thing (I refuse to call it a poem

) and tell me if there are any hideous grammar mistakes? Other unrelated comments would be definately welcome, too. [thanks

]

Darling, please, oh please don't let me go Don't leave me here, teeth marked on the melting snow. Don't go, don't tear our Us apart. No other in this world could make me cry so hard. What horrible a crime did I commit To send me spinning in a whirlwind of eternal greet? What word I spoke that made you run away, Abandon me in endless time that isn't night nor day? No sun, no moon, no star will light the ground I walk upon. I've tired of fighting battles that cannot be won. In sweat one pays for bread, in blood for a loss It is my fault your life and mine will no more cross. { Yet, from darkest hours of distress To morns of sweet refreshing air in every breath Until my every bone's devoured in this fire's tongues I grant I loved you dearly all along. }

Thanks again

 

[lol lypop]

wow, that's pretty good man!

grammer-wise, What word I spoke that made you run away, Abandon me in endless time that isn't night nor day first line should be "what word did i speak..." also, Don't go, don't tear our Us apart. personally, i'd just write "don't tear us apart"​

 

[Polydine]

../images/Emo3.gif

well, forstly, thanks secondly, are you positive that "what word I spoke" is unacceptable? sounds odd, I know, but it really fits

 

[lol lypop]

grammatically, it's wrong

but it's a "poe," so it's really your choice

 

[רוקד עם שבלולים]

It's fine

 

[רוקד עם שבלולים]

strong stuff, mate

a thing or two: - What horrible crime did I commit - what does "greet" mean in this context? - suggestion: endless time that is neither night - suggestion: "blood for loss"

 

[Polydine]

thanks ../images/Emo13.gif

Greet - lament. "blood for loss" does sound better, thank you

(er, do excuse bad align.)

 

[flutter girl]

That would be Grief, then.

 

[Polydine]

../images/Emo12.gif

Everyday I love my mw less. There is such a verb (that is, Greet in the meaning of lamenting or mourning), and it's used as half a noun - only mw describes it as a noun. Either mw or dictionary.com are mistaken, then.

 

[flutter girl]

According to Dictionary.com

It's an archaic word, and that is why most people don't know it. You can keep it there (technically it is correct), but if you're interested in having people read the poem and understand it completely, you should probably switch to grief. I know there are many words that are archaic or at least not regularly spoken which are still used in poems, but this one actually has a different contemporary meaning, and it throws off the reader a bit. But hey - it's your poem, and if you insist on the word 'greet' (by the way, I loved the poem) - you probably should keep it.

 

[Polydine]

Ah, I *will* consider Grief

Just got worried about Greet's exitsence and hurried to prove it

thank you, anyhow.

 

[flutter girl]

Welcome.../images/Emo24.gif